Some people have heads so big, I wonder how they get through doors!

Some people are so full of themselves.

I am part of that group sometimes, but that normally is an event relating to my hair or my pretty shoes. I am a very deep deep individual.

What irritates me are people who feel they are better than every/anyone else. Who goes around saying:

"I am not modest at all with my intelligence and I don't
need any reassurance from anyone about it. "

Hold your breath, there is more.

"When I was 16, some people did an extensive IQ test on me
and found that I was about 135, which puts me in the 2 percentile in the world
population."

Firstly, IQs are just a number. And any one can tell you they are not THAT accurate. And oh world. Top 2% in the world. That means, out of 6 billion people, there are about (forgive my maths) 120 million people as 'smart' as or smarter than you. That's a figure.

Who says things like that? Someone I know. I know that person reads this blog, well, too bad. If you put something out on your blog, get prepared for people to read it and comment on it. I may seem harsh, but that is something that REALLY gets my goat, or so ther saying goes.

Having a 'high' IQ brings about expectations. People want you to, expect you to do well in life. I think having a reasonably high/above average/average IQ is a curse. Who commits sucide? WHo is sitting on the couch complaining about life? Who is sitting around thinking? People who can.

I'm not not say what mine is. Parents had to have their little angel i.e. me tested. I did okay but IQs also change with age. A 2 year old being able to tell that a picture of a piano is missing its black keys and a 21 yr old doing so, quite different.

I remember the test quite clearly. And because of it, I feel, I have always failed in life.

I never did anything (or so I feel) that is 'worthy' of what I should be able to achieve, according to those three digits. I been pushed, bullied, forced into doing things I don't want to do, just cos someone saw the 'potential' in me.

It's hard wearing this hat that everyone seems to see. And I rarely live up to expectations, cos I really don't want to. I really didn't even want to go to university. But, here I am, and struggle I must. I have problems with time management. Constantly mix up weeks, days and times. I think i have chronic fatige. I sleep too much, I really CANT get up in the mornings sometimes. I bite my nails (getting better, quitting), I smoke too much, I drink too much, too much caffine. I eat too much junk food, I don't eat enough vegatables and fruit. I can't say no to chocolate. My assignments are almost always a day late. I do okay in Uni, Ps, Cs and Ds. Some Ds, not many. I don't feel a need to try much harder. I normally do my assignment the day before or the day itself. I somehow seem to pass. I can't manage money. I'm terribly shallow when it comes to some things. I'm a brand whore, I like bags and shoes too much. I dribble. I surf the net aimlessly many a time.

I waste my money on stupid things, like pretty tissue boxes and funky nail polish and brightly coloured eye liners. I'm getting terribly lazy with Kara, my penpal from Ohio. I still have a penpal, which is cool in a way. I'm too noisy, have terrible table manners, sneeze too much and I like to take many many showers a day.

But, what I am getting at is, people don't always see this. Especially adults. I mean I am offically one but you know what I mean. I'm gifted, I'm made for the field. I'm so intelligent. I should write a book.

Boo hoo hoo. BAH! I like to think I'm not full of myself. I know my many flaws but I also see some of my good points. My drama queeness will not be tamed.

As I try to live for myself, it's hard. I still live off my parents, so independence is not complete. I'm just a bit sore about that blog entry. The one that was referred to above. I might put a link to it sometime soon. Or leave me a message. I'll email it to you.

Well, my life has been mostly consisting of 'never doing anything right or good enough'. I have to live with that.

Me and my 'great expectations'.

Wish I was like Estella, too bad I'm more like Miss Havisham.

Always liked Estella. Something about her reminds me of Milla. But, I admire her and her calm acceptance of what she is, was made to be.

“I begin to think,” said Estella, in a musing way, after another moment of
calm wonder, “that I almost understand how this comes about. If you had brought
up your adopted daughter wholly in the dark confinement of these rooms, and had
never let her know that there was such a thing as the daylight by which she has
never once seen your face—if you had done that, and then, for a purpose, had
wanted her to understand the daylight and know all about it, you would have been
disappointed and angry? . . .” “Or,” said Estella, “—which is a nearer case—if
you had taught her, from the dawn of her intelligence, with your utmost energy
and might, that there was such a thing as daylight, but that it was made to be
her enemy and destroyer, and she must always turn against it, for it had
blighted you and would else blight her—if you had done this, and then, for a
purpose, had wanted her to take naturally to the daylight and she could not do
it, you would have been disappointed and angry? . . .”“So,” said Estella, “I
must be taken as I have been made. The success is not mine, the failure is not
mine, but the two together make me.”

So thus, as I was made.