After a prolonged absence, I am back. I left my internet cables at the wife's and therefore had no access. And again, my knight, Eugene, has lent me his extra cable. There is nothing going on between the two of us. But I feel as if the world is turning upside down. And I'm clinging on for dear life as it turns. And I can't quite have a grip on life. It seems to be moving too fast for me to handle. Or tolerate, it's just too hard to live with.
And so I feel like this. Except the little guy has more courage and a more settled life than I will ever have. He knows what to do with his life. Eat, survive, eat, avoid being killed, eat, breed. Eat. Plus, it's dead cute.
If only life was so easy. It's holidays now, and I'm spending it vegging out with my PS2, tv, assignments and cigerettes. I have properly taken up smoking again. It's my drug of choice for the moment. But, it still fascinates me how fragile life really is.
I heard about a death tonight. I still havent slept. I have no idea why it bothers me so much. I don't know the guy but I can only imagine how hard it is for his family and friends. Some people are taken away much too soon. It shouldn't affect me but it has. It has made me think more about what I am doing with mine, whether if I went tomorrow, would I be willing to leave.
Death doesn't scare me, dying does. The process of it. And the aftermath. I like to believe in a heaven and I don't believe in hell. I don't believe a God whom people claim are merciful would create such a horrid place. But I believe all people are good, and try to be good. It's just that their 'version' of good is not ours.
One thing I know I want to do is to get to know my parents. I was speaking to a friend (his mom passed away recently) and I could not express my feelings. All I could say was "I'm sorry." And he told me not to worry. At least I knew my mother as a person.
Could we all say that?
I don't know my parents. Especially not my father. The lack of a father, in a sense, in my life has always been a sore point. I don't hug him, he doesn't hug me. He physically pushes me away if I try to hug him or give him a kiss on the cheek. He pats me on the shoulder at the airport when I leave. He pats my head when I get back. We speak a couple of minutes on the phone, him normally asking if I washed the car and whether I am cold. We both exist and lived in the same house, yet I know nothing of him.
I know his full name, his parents, his schools. I know how he met my mom. I know what he does for a living. I know what magazines and books he likes to read. I know what he likes to eat.
And thats about it.
It came to me, that sense of loss, over this holidays. Milla had her parents over and her dad and me basically got along. He spoke little English, I spoke little Norwegian. So the day consisted of me or him pointing at something, and saying the name of the object in english/norweigan. And each night, as I left their hotel room, to send Milla back, I kissed her parents good night.
Milla's dad filled me for a while.
But here comes the question: How can you miss something you never had?
I have faded fuzzy memories of me sitting in my father's lap, trying to pet the dog.
But that's all.
What I should do is Live. I don't know how to do it, I know I musn't regret the life I led. I know my daddy loves me, I just wish he wasn't a stranger.
"There is no cure for birth and death save to enjoy the interval."
-George Santayana
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