Who the heck am I again?

"I believe in karma. That means I can do bad things to people all day and assume they deserve it." - Dogbert

Ever had a day where you don't recognise yourself?

You wake up, floss, brush, rinse, take a shower. And when you catch yourself in the bathroom mirror, you wonder, who the fuck am I?

What the fuck am I doing here? Where the fuck am I heading in my life? Am I who I believe myself to be, when did I turn into the person I want people to see?

I always joke and talk about my addiction to cigs and I do enjoy a good beer. But, I have regressed into a social smoker. And I wonder if I ever was a 'serious' smoker. I can go without a smoke for days, then suddenly smoke 1/4 of a pack, having coffee with a friend.

Smoking used to be a big part of me. I love the feel nicotine gives you. I have always hated the smell of smoke, but I love the shapes and swirls smoke takes on. The whisps and circles. I was a chimney. I used to be one.

But smoking was a part of my identity. It was what people associated me with. And now, I don't really smoke anymore. I'm more dressed up, (for fuck's sake, i use eyeliner), wear heels and I tone, cleanse and moisturise my skin. I'm no longer the grungy, daggy, girl I used to be.

I was a cargo pants and tshirt sort of chick, sports shoes, thongs (as in slippers, flips flops, not the underwear bit). I wear thongs now! G strings, as in underwear. I confuse myself.

I have pretty pink things to sleep in, I worry about my bra and undies matching. I'm losing who I thought I was. I don't even really drink coffee anymore.

I used to live on cigs and coffee my first year in Australia. I chose coffee and cigs over food.

I'm becoming more cynical, more jaded.

I had an interesting comment on my blog the other day. I deleted it in anger, if its you, write another one. It basically had the gist of, if i recall, "Your blog is so me-myself-and-I. You are a selfish writer and a bad one too. You never comment about current issues or anything but just write about yourself. It's boring and I hate it etc etc etc" I'm not quoting. I'm just writing what I remember.

Ok, so I talk about myself. A lot. It's MY blog. MINE! MINE! MINE!

Not asking anyone to like it, let alone read it. I'm still mildly suprised when people tell me they read my blog.

Here, in the semi-anonymous world of the internet, I can sorta be myself.

I'm just showing one strange side of my personality. We make a team, my personalities and I. You want polite? Switch to 'cupping-balls-of-lecturer' mode. You want peeved? Switch to "you-mean-i-get-5-pieces-of-chicken-for-$6". Actually a true story. Never quite been so bitchy in my life.

So maybe, me, being me, means not being me all the time. It's a team effort. We all take turns on the playing field. Those better ones get left out to bat longer. Bad ones get disqualified, but throw a fit and return later after being suspensed for a while. The referee continues blowing the whistle. I have no idea how I, being a non-sports fan, used a sports analagy for me.

But as House said, "There's no 'I' in team. But if you shuffle the letters around, there's a 'ME'."