Anger, fear and words

Words said in anger, some people say is not true.

I beg to differ.

Words said in anger is the truth at that point of time.

And I do not care anymore.

Threats, shouting, fights, hitting. I have had enough.

I do feel, but I choose to not take any of those feelings seriously.

It's no point.

I have been accused of things, happenings.

I have to report my movements, it seems.

I cannot have a smoke, tea and a chat with a friend. Even though the friend is an ex-lover.

I normally like keeping my friends.

According to the 'fighter', I do not want the friendship. Now for now, yes, these may be words said in anger, I don't.

I do not like being pushed. I spend time with her and do almost everything with her as well.

But, when I head over, to the neighbour's for a smoke, I am 'sneaking'.

She had to sleep cos of her morning duty.

If we were noisy, I am sorry.

If you feel excluded, well, you hate him, or dislike him strongly, why torment yourself with his presense?

All this, I have said to you.

I am not blameless, I am sure.

I do not want to isolate myself because of you.

And, last night, the comment about him being home. Gee, innocent.

I fear you.

I'm actually afraid you will hit me again.

Example SMS:

"U just have to do the opposite of what ppl ask u to do an must prove a point all the fucking time. U do not need my permission and u do not need to tell me anything.But when it is excluding flatmates like that on what i feel is purpose just so u can prove ur point and "look at me i can do something u cant" behaviour then i react. As I said,do what u want.U care about men more than friends coz they give you attention and sex friends dont.Harsh but one day when u are interested in listening to my point of view u might see it. And if you feel gulity about yday u obviously did something coz i did not say anything.Just thinking it."

Ok. Yesterday? Well, Eugene spoke to me.

I know I am airing dirty landry. So?

I do not like the way you judge my friends. I can't help being friendier than you.

I tried. And I already said, honestly, I cannot understand it. I tried. But I can't.

And if last night has to come up again. I feel gulity cos I commented he was at home? I felt bad that you took it so hard.

You ran off without a word bout what was wrong. Just thinking it? Body language, darling.

And if you do feel I am such a horrid person, please, don't speak to me.

And the other flatmates, well, I seem how they CAN lead seperate lives.

Why haven't I invited Andrew back?

You hate him. Sadly, neighbour lives here.

And I like chilling with him.

Eugene told me to avoid him to keep you happy. If you take all my actions so personally, please.

It's your choice.

I like having other friends, as you do.

I know we both have invested a lot of time and effect into this relationship.

I am not leaving you, I just need some other people.

A lot of my friends have always been male.

And I enjoy male company, their views are different and it's fun.

I can't change your mind, I don't want to.

Just see that stuff I do, is not a personal attack.

As I said, I can't stop your feelings, how you choose to do with it.

I know I am going down to your level, bitching bout me on your blog. Pointing the finger and veiled references to me.

I do everything wrong to ya.

And it's just too bad.

I enjoy a cone occasionally, and you have always known that.

So yes, it's nothing new.

I might regret saying this, cos when we talk, we both don't listen.

We both want to be right and we are both stubborn.

You say I push you, the same can be said on my side.

You are my friend and we are going through a bad patch.

I'm on holidays, you need to sleep, I chill out with another friend.

You fear I will be like your other housemates.

I'm sorry that you don't know me better.

Fear causes irrational feelings.

That's fear.

It chills the mind and I know you been burnt before.

I'm not them.

And if the conversation stops when you come, maybe it's cos you come screaming at me and telling me to come back in 5minutes for a talk. And then its followed by glass breaking and the throwing of my poor belchan.

As I said, the clothes are being aired.

I'm tired. I don't need this anymore.

I offered not to move in.

But it wouldnt have made a difference.

Cos if I came to see ya, or him, I would still piss you off.

My thoughts are random cos I am angry.

So yes, if everything can be good, then bad. What changed?

And Eugene saving my ass?

I have done nothing wrong.

And gulit, well, you place it on me all the time now.

If Eugene saves me from being hit, I am happy.

Another cultural difference maybe, friends don't hit friends. Or at least not among my friends.