Self reflection

A blog should be treated like a diary.

Everything you write is sacred.

But, unlike a diary, people all over the world, can read what you write.

Therefore, trying to express one's self and opinions can be a bit tricky.

Some people dislike what they read, fair enough. Please then, stop tormenting yourself and go boil your head.

I'm kidding. Taking a leaf out of Roald Dahl's book.

But I still forget people read this and people I know especially. They can read and mock my horrible horrible spelling.

I should write a disclaimer. Help, anyone?

I have no idea where to start.

For the moment, I'm going through a strange phrase in my life.

I made a decision which I believe is the best for me.

Or I think it is.

I wonder if I am swayed by too many external factors.

Like friends, money, THE BEACH.

Experiencing Australia in summer would be an interesting experience. Real interesting.

So would getting a job.

On the hunt now, prowling for some unsuspecting person willing to give me money in return for my sweat and talents.

I realised that there was no way I could put that sentence and make it NOT sound sexual.

I COULD make money that way, but then I couldn't sleep at night.

And if I don't sleep, how can I walk in all the pretty shoes I would have gotten with the money?

Summer is around the corner and I, should start working on my tan soon.

Brighton, here I come!

Irony...

I should take my own advice.

I can't handle the world at the moment.

I don't know what to do.

I'm just freaking out by the pure fact that I am near to me.

Sounds silly. Oh well.

Can't stand myself at the moment. Sadly, I can't get away.

Will try.

Sticking head in ground til bad things go away.

Not healthy but I shall cope whatever way I can.

Random mumblings...

It's been an interesting week.

I'm staying.

Til mid Jan anyway.

Gonna try and find a job.

Earn money, settle down, have 5 kids.

I'm kidding.

I'm still a bit sore about a certain someone.

I'm not sure what to think sometimes.

But I think, some people (like me) express feelings by whining and writing about it. Some scream, yell, do sports, excercise.

Some people draw.

I wish I had that talent.

But cheers to stickgirl, may you find happiness not in men, but in yourself.

If anything I have learnt over my time as a human on this earth, it that loving yourself and accepting who you are, is the most important thing.

Men (or women for the straight men here) can come later.

But be careful what you wish for, it might come true.

Ode to my Mama and Starbucks

I was shocked when I heard Mama Jaja aka Erica (one of my best buds) has not stepped into a Starbucks since her arrival in Japan.

Note: Mama Jaja is a cig and coffee addict. Be nice to her before she has any one of those two, especially in the mornings. I have fuzzy memories of her not having a cig in her hand/mouth/ashtray.

The reason? In the little town she's in (I presume its little, she says its somewhere between Osaka and Kobe), there is ONE starbucks. Hey, I wouldn't be bitching, the nearest Starbucks of mine is at least a nine hour drive away. Same for Ikea. But, I digress on this.

And it is Erica who says that a Starbucks is a sign of civilization. Scandanivian doesn't count cos "it prides itself on not being Americanized".

But reasons for her choice are good. Despite Starbucks being nearby, she chooses local coffee shops.

I'm like, awesome, support local businesses.

No... I should have know better.

She can smoke inside. (",) Excellent Mama.

My Mama never changes, and for that I adore her. Have a great time in Japan and knock thm dead. PS: Nutella on the way. Sent it yesterday.

But since we are on the topic of Starbucks.

I came upon another interesting site.

Want your very own personalized poem?

Want it now?

Want it written in the cheesiest way possible?

Want your female bits described as 'grapes', 'petals' and being constantly compared to orchids?

Want to 'embark on a journey of abstract enlightenment'?

Well, to quote the fellow...

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Issac Peter. I am a teacher of Poetry. English. Philosophy. Attitude.
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interacted with those of his day in a philosophical way. Learn about the
teachings of the bible. Reasonable hourly rates for teaching 1 person or more! A
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Maybe you would like a poem or more to about you for a change! You have a loved
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Well. Pay for a poem for ya I say. Please, please, please, I no want for my birthday. But why him? Cos he writes about the 'maidens of Starbucks'.

Too funny. I like the whole erotic poetry plus religious teachings in one. Is that nothing this guy can not do? And when anyone of you have a baby, I shall have one written for the christaining.

Don't forget to check out the Yahoo babes section.

Eligible bachelors?

*cough cough*

One might be, don't know about the other. Cos I don't know the other one. As a person.

I laugh. It is so funny. (laughing and squirting milk out through my nose ) are my own comments :)

"Today, I received a very interesting email from a friend, oshioyi. I was
questioned over my workaholic nature even on the weekends. One of my secondary (How old are you again?)
school teacher even suggest recommending a girlfriend for me, thanks to kalidas'
uninformed advertising of me in our school network. I guess Kali and I are one
of the few eligible bachelors left from our cohort(COUGH! If you want a hmmm... you can refer to the entries below for my opinion on that issue). But I need to justify my
unusual working habits.....
pt.1) I don't think I have yet met the right girl
yet. The girls I come across are simply too promiscious and casual with guys(Major disappointments? LOL All women are bad Defend thyself from the evil ways of the female).
pt 2) There is only 2 persons that could ever come close...Eliz and Miko.
But they appeared at the same time. I was with Eliz and lost Miko. Now I am no
longer with Eliz and I can't find Miko (Boo hoo hoo, made a decision, made a choice, live with it).
pt 3) Really got a lot work to do.
Got to get my findings into some journal.
pt 4) Most of my friends are
elsewhere, married or attached.
pt 5) I am not aussie(therefore aussies don't work or no one wants a non-aussie here?) and so I got work
more.....does not have the nominal extension to my scholarship(BOD or MFS? I'll explain later) unlike
aussie.......
So that kinda sums up everything."

-from the blog of bunkie

I give him credit for his work. Yeah!

Eligible bachelors?

I can't comment on the other gentleman cos I don't know him. Just reinforcing this fact. Don't want to be too quick to judge people I'm completely don't know. (>.<)

The other one...

Okies, this is a bit of a bitch fest but I was a bit taken back by his sweeping statements.

"The girls I come across are simply too promiscious and casual with guys. "

What do you mean by casual? Ohhhhhh, she spoke to him. Look I can see the outline of her breasts with that shirt of hers on. And, omg, she's laughing at what that guy is saying. Slut. And why look at EVERY single woman as a potential partner? How lonely are ya?

Men and women do have the capacity to be 'just friends'.

I'm sure we have evolved to something with a reasonable amount of squishy gray matter.

And 2 persons or people who have ever come close?

Remember the poor person who supposedly broke the heart twice in 5 weeks?

Ain't my heart.

Hmmm...

I think some people could do a better job than me laughing at this entry.

Now for the feedback sandwich. You start with something positive, then constructive feedback and something positive again! I did that.

It made me laugh, feedback, and I'm complimenting the writing style and the ability to make me laugh out loud.

By the way, blogs are public domain. (",)

Abstinence = Higher Libido

Hmmm... That's an interesting school of thought.

Why is this an issue suddenly?

Cos someone I was speaking to said this. You know the whole virginity thing? No sex before marriage?

But I see it like this. It's like a kid only allowed to eat chocolate on Sunday. From Monday to Saturday, he dreams of chocolate. All he smells is chocolate. All he thinks about is chocolate. Come Saturday night, hours from chocolate day, he stays awake, thinking about how he will eat his chocolate.

Sunday morning has come.

The frantic mad rush to the cupboard holding the chocolate bar. The tearing of the paper and the ripping of the foil. In goes the chocolate. Chew, chew, it flows down his throat. The melted smoothness. The brown sticky substance is good. But... is it as good as expected?

One bar. Two bars. Three bars.

It's not so good anymore. The worst thing is, all you can have, for the rest of your life, is that sort of chocolate bar.

Plain.

No strawberry, white, dark, coffee creame, mint, or smoooth caramal crunch.

Plain chocolate.

Sometimes, people place too much an emphasis on penatrative sex. Foreplay is sex as well.

But judging people who do indulge, who want to test the market, is not very nice.

And waiting for just one person, what makes you think it's gonna be good.

No sex for years will not equal to great wonderful mindblowing sex for the rest of your married life.

No gurantee.

I know the bible goes on about how pre-marital sex is not good. Fair enough.

But not everyone believes in the bible.

People are allowed to believe in different Gods or not at all.

I just wish people (some people especially) could just see that.

If this is heaven...

Then please send me to hell.

I could be an Amish superstar in these clothes. The long URL doesn't help the cause either.

And apparently, the 'pill' closes the womb. It's an interesting mindless site.

Check out the wedding dresses.

Seriously, send me to hell.

But then again, I might already be there.

Approval for the blonde!

That was fast. I applied just today.

Remember how I have constantly raved about J-List and the really awesome products they have?

Well, now, I have a pretty banner.

And if you click on the banner, you can go to the site.

Easy stuff? Following me?

Now this is the interesting thing, the shirts. Go to the site and look at the shirts. Then tell me you do not want one.

Try.

I insist.

Plus, if you click on MY banner and buy stuff, I get a small cut. Yes, this is Fern's attempt to make her mark in the world of the internet. My small private internet business. Buy Pocky, shirts and porn. And, oh yes, how could I forget? Hello Kitty. For fuck's sake, Hello Kitty is the bomb. BUY!

And yoai.

Especially yoai. Once I understand the site a bit more and learn more html, I shall promote myself a lot more. But seriously, prices are reasonable and the products too cute for words.

Now, enough for shameless self promotion.

Look look look! It's my black doggy, Floppy, back home. Both him and me have a problem. Our roots occasionally show. His show more than my blonde roots.

I swear sometimes that I am a natural blonde. No offense to blondes out there, I'm just dumb. Most of the time anyway.

I have the gift of saying the most inappropiate thing at the worst possible time.

The gift of gab? Too common plus who can be bothered to kiss that stone?

The gift of tongues? Nah.

The gift of beauty? Depends who's giving and cutting.

The gift of song? Karaoke queen anyone? Not me.

The gift of having one's foot permenantly cemented in one's mouth? Hell yeah. In fact when God was giving that out, I was first in line and forget to line up for the rest of the gifts the good Lord was handing out.

In fact, my mother says the same about Floppy. As in, he was first in the handsome line but forgot to go to the brains department.

I don't know how I manage to say the things I say.

For example, I broke my atm card. But I can still swipe it cos it's broken on the other side. So I told the guy at Coles, while waving the card in his face that I could "just swipe it on machines but I can't stick it into stuff." He merely gave me a 'gimme the money and please leave' look on his poor confused face.

Quick recap, remember me telling the policeman who gave me a random breath test that that was the first time 'anyone has asked me to blow'.

And then, Milla and me were looking at a campervan on the road.

It's illegal for people to sit in the back while its moving in Norway. They have to be seated in the front with seatbelts.

I pondered my wife's words.

"So that means, in Norway you can't ever be in the back?"

Go ahead, laugh.

She did.

So, yes, I shall move on.

And do my assignment.

Joy, fun. How great it is to be in university.

Reading Material: Stupid White Men By Michael Moore

Ice cream...

Went ice cream tasting yesterday. Had a blue one. It was pretty good. Pretty damn good if I do say so myself. I was wetting myself just tasting it.

It was that good. Had an unfortunate name to it though. Quite sensitive in this everyday age.

It was blue, therefore Tsunami.

Im not kidding. It's a shop on Hindley. So yeah.

Mmmmmm... Ice cream.

Soooooooooo goood.

I feel like some more now.

Clinging on...

All is quiet on the front. Silence is good yet so amusing.

After a prolonged absence, I am back. I left my internet cables at the wife's and therefore had no access. And again, my knight, Eugene, has lent me his extra cable. There is nothing going on between the two of us. But I feel as if the world is turning upside down. And I'm clinging on for dear life as it turns. And I can't quite have a grip on life. It seems to be moving too fast for me to handle. Or tolerate, it's just too hard to live with.

And so I feel like this. Except the little guy has more courage and a more settled life than I will ever have. He knows what to do with his life. Eat, survive, eat, avoid being killed, eat, breed. Eat. Plus, it's dead cute.

If only life was so easy. It's holidays now, and I'm spending it vegging out with my PS2, tv, assignments and cigerettes. I have properly taken up smoking again. It's my drug of choice for the moment. But, it still fascinates me how fragile life really is.

I heard about a death tonight. I still havent slept. I have no idea why it bothers me so much. I don't know the guy but I can only imagine how hard it is for his family and friends. Some people are taken away much too soon. It shouldn't affect me but it has. It has made me think more about what I am doing with mine, whether if I went tomorrow, would I be willing to leave.

Death doesn't scare me, dying does. The process of it. And the aftermath. I like to believe in a heaven and I don't believe in hell. I don't believe a God whom people claim are merciful would create such a horrid place. But I believe all people are good, and try to be good. It's just that their 'version' of good is not ours.

One thing I know I want to do is to get to know my parents. I was speaking to a friend (his mom passed away recently) and I could not express my feelings. All I could say was "I'm sorry." And he told me not to worry. At least I knew my mother as a person.

Could we all say that?

I don't know my parents. Especially not my father. The lack of a father, in a sense, in my life has always been a sore point. I don't hug him, he doesn't hug me. He physically pushes me away if I try to hug him or give him a kiss on the cheek. He pats me on the shoulder at the airport when I leave. He pats my head when I get back. We speak a couple of minutes on the phone, him normally asking if I washed the car and whether I am cold. We both exist and lived in the same house, yet I know nothing of him.

I know his full name, his parents, his schools. I know how he met my mom. I know what he does for a living. I know what magazines and books he likes to read. I know what he likes to eat.

And thats about it.

It came to me, that sense of loss, over this holidays. Milla had her parents over and her dad and me basically got along. He spoke little English, I spoke little Norwegian. So the day consisted of me or him pointing at something, and saying the name of the object in english/norweigan. And each night, as I left their hotel room, to send Milla back, I kissed her parents good night.

Milla's dad filled me for a while.

But here comes the question: How can you miss something you never had?

I have faded fuzzy memories of me sitting in my father's lap, trying to pet the dog.

But that's all.

What I should do is Live. I don't know how to do it, I know I musn't regret the life I led. I know my daddy loves me, I just wish he wasn't a stranger.

"There is no cure for birth and death save to enjoy the interval."

-George Santayana