The Post Office Hates Me

I hate Norwegian Post.

Enough said.

My Room, My Haven

I like my room.

It has one big bed. I have 2 bookcases full of my favorite books. I also have my laptop AND internet at the same time! Woohoo!

Not to mention, I have my dressing table, overflowing with makeup and earrings. I have 2 cupboards full of my clothes. And stuff. I also have a television, a DVD player and my PS2.

On my big bed is 2 pillows and a bolster. I also have 3 blankets on it. And a boomarang pillow. The mattress is firm and supercomfy.

My room has a aircon option, which is used freely. Most days anyway.

I also have an alarm clock that sings "it's a small world" when it rings.

Why am I typing this?

It is is because I love my room.

The number one reason why I love my room is because...


there are NO children in here.


None. Zip. Zlich. Nada.


Plus it smells pretty.

















PS. Hating the little shit-take mushrooms at the moment. See what I did there? Made swearing kid friendly. Products of slugs. Hoover dam... them. A hundred smelly chickens!

The Reverse Romance Novel That Is Me

I was sitting down on the bus the other day, (no more public transport soon! :P) and reading a Mills & Boon novel.

I hear the gags and 'why u reading that shit" but, it's brainless and short. Anyway, it was called "Tamed By Her Husband".

Cheesy?

There was no S&M elements to spice it up but here's the story. Bear with me, it won't take long.

Poor rich girl scandal. Poor rich girl sleeps with married man. Runs away. Strong, silent, handsome, bastardy, RICH man has bad impression of poor rich girl, nonetheless, hunts her out for her daddy's sake. She has always loved him. Him always sexually attracted to perfect blonde girl. Turns out poor rich girl doesnt take daddy's money but works as a relief worker. They sleep together. *poof* Girl is virgin, therefore scandal false! They fall in love, not without the guy leaving then returning to confess "I always loved you". They get married and have a baby. While mantaining perfect bodies.

NOW, reverse this. Or anti it. Like Rich Girl to Poor Girl. Perfect Blonde to Normal Chick.

You get the gist.

It's just that someone I used to love keeps popping into my life this week.

He still utters, in a way, what i want to hear. What I used to hope for.

But, too late! I'm gone and I'm out.

I'm not on the lookout for that soulmate or do I wish to become a baby making machine.

All around me, must be my age, people are talking about marriage. I spoke to someone the other day. She insisted since she and her boyfriend had been dating for 2 years, they should go get 'ROMed". (It's the Registry of Marriages for those whom do not know) How old was she?

22.

Just 22.

Yeah, right...

But, if they are happy, it's up to them!

So yes, the reverse romance.

If I find the time to go for my facials, pedicures, manicures and massages, I think then I can manage a partner.

Btw, I haven't been to a facial in almost a year.

The demends of work never end!!!

Long time No blog

I been super busy with work and classes. I am attempting my Trinity Drama Cert, Grade 6.

Work is crazy.

I am earning the money, yes of course. But I am so tired day after day that I have no time to spend it! :)

Am eyeing the new spring '07 calvin klein collection of shoes. Bright happy colours.

Sadly, heels are not used in my line of work. *sigh*

Btw, Fat Louie escaped briefly today. He was caught after much worry, tears and mud.

I'll explain later.

PRESENTING...

Lucifer and Pickles! Pickles is the smaller one and (obviously) Lucifer is the bigger one. They like wrestling as it can be seen here!

The rats get a hammock, why can't I?

Sleeping sleeping lazy rats. Bascially what they do all day! Lazy buggers...

They are both boys (no babies for me, thank you, irregardless of gender or specis)

They are super friendly and love Coco pops.

So, there they are!!!

PICKLES AND LUCIFER!

PS It's Louie for short.

Goals For The Semi-New Year

1. Buy a car! (Almost there!)
2. Buy a car in a normal colour! On a three year loan :)
3. Learn to say "NO"
4. Learn to really say "NO"
5. Tone down the compassion meter
6. Really, REALLY learn to say "NO"
7. Be able to tell people when I am busy
8. Not get so caught up in what people think
9. Save enough for a trip to Norway. And be able to travel and eat. $20 for a bus ride? X(
10. Not buy so many shoes!
11. Must not lose papers connected to work
12. Watch more children's TV

Hey, for the money I'm earning *ching ching*, Barney becomes all worthwhile.

*Grin*

Work And What Not To Name A Child

Hello everyone.

Work has been consuming my life. Ah, the pain. So the updates will be slower now. So much slower.

I am working 2 jobs so I can soon (hopefully next month, *cross fingers*) afford the downpayment for a car. I'm looking at the Nissan March or Suzuki Swift. If its a March, its NOT gonna be a faggotly blue. If it's a swift, NO YELLOW.

But do I really want a seven year loan? Shall think a bit more.

WOrk, work, work.

I wish sometimes I was unemployed so that I could sleep in everyday. And when I wake up, people are having their lunch breaks. *evil laughter*

I have to clean up my room. I have to clean the house, I have to bathe the dogs. I have so much to do, yet no energy to do it.

So yes, work.

Has anyone noticed that parents in Singapore give their kids the weridest names????? Here is a top ten list of what not to name your precious bundle of overpriced bankrupting 'joy'.

1. Dewey
2. Giselle
3. Kliona
4. Zola
5. Kyrisha
6. Slanue
7. Lyniute
8. LaKyshian
9. Aapplee (not a typo, sadly enuff)
10. Baron

I am not kidding on ANY of these names. Giselle is probably the most normal, if not the most depressing.

And try pronouncing Slanue in a class and not laugh out loud. And, Aapplee is pronounced 'Apple' apparently. In which language? *sigh* Parents, sometimes...

Try pronouncing it, full stop.

So people, Aunty Fern's lesson of the day is, DON'T TORTURE YOUR CHILD.

Give her/him a name which will not cause him too much pain or embaressment. Wedgies in the playground are not pleasant what-so-ever.

Happy Belated New Year!

To all, Happy Belated New Year! The above is a present to all of you. It is a bra I am going to give to my wife. So, all of you, have the gift of X-ray vision. *muah ha ha ha ha ha*New shoes! Bright red shoes, not as if you can't see that.

Okay, Bush is an ass

Spending 6.8 billion on Iraq?

How bout the homeless in America?

All the single parents, the drug addicts, and the really really poor in the States?

Merry Christmas! God Jul!

Onion rings and Christmas make good friends. And masks. Carl Jr's has good food but HUGE servings. Go fried zuccininis!

Debby, Denise and Milla. Big big big 10 course chinese dinner. Typical chinese, fish, sharks fin, cold dish (READ: Lobster), chicken, scallops, sea cucumber, octopus and yummy yummy deserts. My god. Food was too good.

And for simple food. Chicken rice. Normal, non-australian chicken rice. Chicken perfect, rice non-mushy. Chilli sauce, bliss. This is the one at the bottom of Siglap Drive. Near my grandma's place.

So good. And the wanton soup.

SO in the spirit of the holiday, and the feasting to come,

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Animals In Australia

Meerkats! Enuff said. Too cute. I want one as a pet. Or two. Or ten.

An emu. I do not know why they wander free either. I heard they are dangerous as well as delicious. Actually, I know for a fact that they are delicious ^.^

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww...

Anyway, many thanks to wifie for the photos. I stole them!!! *muah ha ha ha*

She's coming to Singapore in 2days!

Anyway, despite the fact I talk about my wifie and only her face appears on me blog, I do have other friends.

I just don't know if they would like to be so umm public.

Anyway, soon wifie!!!

Ta ta!

Shut Your Eyes

This is some story I am writing. I reserve all rights. This is just chapter One but there may be more. So shut your eyes, open them, and read. Remember, take it with a pinch of salt. it's meant to be fun :)

The teenage girl (the scientific name being stripling pimply pubertas) is a mammal of the family Bitchiesus Explorus Huntis. Teenage girls are the second most intelligent human group after the adult female (brightus smartus). Their overly made-up faces, short skirts and hormonal-based behavior are easy to spot. In the wild, the teenage period may last up to ten years, many ignoring the word “teen” in the numeral system. In captivity, teenage girl behavior may last anywhere between two months and fifty years. Their weight varies greatly, but tends to range from fifty to six hundred pounds.

They are found all over the world, in every continent, in every country. Teenage girls are predatory carnivores who live in groups, commonly known as cliques. The clique, as a general rule, has five members.

The leader casts a daunting figure. She is everything the rest of the pack is not, yet so desperately crave to be. She is normally the flirtiest, most outgoing, skinniest and least clothed of the lot. If she is not the least clothed, then the tightest it shall be. Her Blackberry is a formidable weapon. The teenage queen is a superb master and defender of her pack and territory, especially the male prey of the moment. Anyone overtaking her at any point is promptly expelled from the pack.

Then, the right hand man is her clone. This is normally the best friend. Same physical qualities normally, but usually much sluttier. This is to gain the attention the clone needs. There is not much to say about the clone except she would suffer from low self-esteem. The clone is also used as a decoy for the leader to gain men flesh.

The next on the list are, usually but can contain much more, the two wingmen. Two teenage girls act as the support and props for the two above them. They usually carry out the dirty work and have to clean up after the hunt. Normally, one of the prettier girls will belong in the group. Regardless of who kills the prey, the queen usually eats her fill first with the rest of the pack staying at a respectful distance away. Typically, the queen will not tolerate outside female teen queens.

Last on this list, the sole remaining pack member. The token fat chick. There to make the rest look better. She is the one who male prey flock to in a lame attempt to win the affections of the queen and her clone.

Well, I’m that token fat chick. Blubbery, unattractive, and bait. Come here, men meat. Come, come, let us feed the insatiable appetites of the Queen and her clone. Long may she live. I live on the outskirts of the pack and feed on the scraps. I feel about thrice the size of my Queen. However, I live but to serve. Long may she live.

I often ask myself why do I even bother putting up with the abuse. I’m always there when they need someone to cry to, to whinge and whine to. But when the male of the moment makes an appearance, I am promptly forgotten. Why do I put up with everything that happens? I know, the ants to sugar theory. They missed out one thing though.
The lonliness. I am so lonely, I’m afraid my gut will tear. It’s that feeling in your throat, when you can’t breathe because this huge lump is constricting you. You desperately swallow, trying to get any air you can. This is me and them. I take what I can get. I watch and allow my shoulder to be soaked with salty warm tears.

So not only am I a tissue, I’m also a big fat virgin. A fat, fat lonely virgin whom shall never see a male naked, let alone have him want to do anything to me. Everyone else has had someone else. What about me? Is the flab really so unattractive? I know the answer to that. Yes. Fat chicks do not make good girlfriends. They do not project the image nor promote the social standing of any said teenage or early twenties boy.

For clarity and sense to enter my life, I have decided to write down my observations of teenage girl world in this journal. I will not use dates, it is of no consequence to know exactlly when all my activities occurred. Instead, I shall try and label my entries with a bit of omph, a bit of class. That’s all that I can do well. The teens are certainty a difficult time.

Welcome to my world.

Weather Wise...

Orange flowers! Again. Yes, I know!

A family picture! Haha. Ignore the fact I look like I'm pregnant. Me, the man, and my darling wifie. And the child, in my hands, Steve the Queen. Yes, Aunty Gerri, Steve the Queen can take on Bambi. And eat him alive. And spit out the bones without the marrow.

Cookie sleeping looks so innocent. Little do we know. Animals and people look so innocent when they sleep. *sigh*

I Said, "Nevermore", But I Lied

Dear Alcohol, especially in the form of Stella, Appletinis, Chocolate Martinis n CranberryVodkas,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer with the game, and you're even around in the holiday's hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences, briefed below for your review.

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a kabob with chili sauce, along with a big Italian hoagie some stale chips (washed down with chocolate Nesquik & topped off with a Kit Kat all after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day is beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Pictures: This can be a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify the last point below, but the following costumes are banned from ever being placed on my head in public again: Indian wigs, sombreros, bows, ties, boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic cones, or bras. Also, what is with you making me take pictures with people I clearly don't like when I'm sober? Yet they suddenly become my best friends when a flash is presented?

5. Beer goggles: If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I most likely do not. Please do not request that I go over & see if in fact, I do actually know that person. The phrase "let's F***" is illegal from now on. While I may be thinking this, please reinstate the brain-to-mouth-block that would stop this thought from becoming a statement, especially in public. Please stop me from talking to the guy/girl with the crooked teeth; acned-up face; bad breath; beer belly, etc. Why are they so appealing to me while I'm with you & why are they so disgusting to me the next morning after you have worn off??

6. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to me/passing out facedown on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms.

You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,
Your biggest fan

P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

Distance

Yes, according to Singapore standards, where I stay is far away in the depths of the green scary isolated forest.

Yes, I get that. I also get that I normally have to drive to the person's/friend/other human's place for contact and social outings.

Irregardless of which country I am in.

I am sick of going to people.

So far, so out of the way, they bitch.

HEY!

HOW BOUT ME?

Years and years I have made the time and effort to travel up and back for all.

I am heartily sick of it.

And when I ask a favor, ONE LITTLE FAVOR, I get it smashed back in my face.

So, screw the world.

Give me some understanding here. And for once, come to me.

Boredom Being Killed

I got an email. Thought I might as just answer it here instead of bothering the my entire mailing list. This is one of the dumbest ones I got...

When is the last time you held hands withsomeone?:Umm... I'm not quite into that. Sweaty palms... Eww1

If you woke up as the opposite gender, what's the1st thing you do? Mastabate, pee standing up (a dream of mine), and then screw as many women as possible. And oh yeah, have gay sex! Too cool!

Have you ever crawled through a window? My room windows have grills. Bars. Unless I were Nicole Richie? No chance in hell. Do umm class room windows count?

Where is your mom? Watcha wanna know for? Sheesh.

Morning or night person? Owl. Me owl. Hoot.

What was the last movie you watched?:Miami Vice. Yes I am ashamed. I had free tickets though. Friends? Come back!

Do you have a crush on anyone right now?:I'm completely in LURVE with the nephew kid on Ugly Betty. He is so cute and is so gonna be a flaming homosexual when he grows up. So yes. I love gay men. And no, I am no fag hag 2.

Any cool scars?:Yes. On my face, a bunny bite. Lame I know, but true. On my arm, an air pellet scar. Stoopid ex-bf acccidently shot me, or so he says. I like to think so.

Things about the opposite sex you notice first.: I am an ass woman. Then I work my way up. My theory is, even if the male be fugly, at least you enjoy part of the perving process.

What is your curfew?:Darling... I am not 16 anymore.

Would you ever dye your hair red?:So many times? I lurve red and blonde together.

Last text says: Umm, something about my wife saying I was so manly her toes tingled. I think. Or I could be making this up. Who knows? ^.^

What career would you wish to be in?:Tai Tai-dom. Any takers? If not, I guess, computer/video game tester! Rock on!

Which country would you like to visit?: Country? You mean countries. It's way too many to put down here. So I should list the places I do not wanna go to. Uganda. Iran. Afgansitan. Saudi Arabia. Gee, all done.

Do you want a well paying job or a job you enjoy?: Both if I can get it. But if not, money. Lots and lots of money. Then after a while, I can do the enjoyment bit.

What did you wear today? Pjs? Been a bit under the weather so been lounging in my peter alexander top and CK pj pants. Yes, I am a nightwear snob. So sue me.

When were you last on the phone?:20mins ago. It's still warm. My ear and the phone.

What were the shoes you wore today?:None what so ever. Hippy!

Do you like math?:Didn't quite like it but was pretty okay at it.

How about History?:Lurved it, Lurved it. Me likie violence.

Have you ever seen 5 squirrels at one time?:At the zoo? Do flying squirrels count? I mean they swoop. Crazy things. Crazier than penguins, and that's saying something.

Can you touch you're nose with you're tongue?: *trying* No, and I do not need to. That isn't useful. Twitching your ears or flaring your nostrils are.

Who's your favorite person to talk to online?: It coud be anyone, at any given time. I sorta have moods for people.

Have you ever used photobucket?:Nope. Flicker. And something Fish. I can't remember.

Do you like hugs?:Depends from whom.

Do you want to be a doctor?:No. The question is, do you wanna be WITH a doctor? Ke ke ke ke ke ke ke ke. No, I'm not horny whatsoever. Ke ke ke ke ke.

Have you ever fallen asleep with gum in your mouth?:Once. It was not pleasant.

What do you do right before you go to bed?Shut my book. Or laptop and grab my blanket. And Piglet.

Right when you get out of bed? Run to the loo to pee. Ah, bliss.

Do you want to be famous?
Depends how. There's movie star famous, author famous, and within certain elite groups famous. Not to mention bad famous like Charles Manson ( good old chuckie). And within certain countries famous (Example: Taufik. IE if you from singapore, you know). Politican famous. And being a stupid ass famous, think George Bush and John Howard. Oh gee, they both fall into the idiotic politican famous.

So do I wanna be famous? It all depends which group I fall in.


There! Boredom killed for 10minutes.

Dude, I need a coffee. Later!

Toothpicks Need Not Apply

Just a quick update. Still awake. No need for any foreign object to pry my eyes open.

Eat, eat, for today is a day to feast.

Lontong today. My tummy can't wait.

Selamat Hari Raya Everyone!

Have a great day!

Sleepless Where-ever

Okay. It's almost 4am and yet the Sandman has yet to toss his blinking sand in my eyes.

I admit, I love my sleep but getting to the sleeping bit??

Tough.

I am an insomniac. And for fuck's sake this is not funny anymore.

It's annoying to have to pop a pill to sleep. It's annoying when you don't and you just lie in bed, and your head just buzzes with the most stupid, random things.

Should I mop the floor?

Say, what was the names of all the people in Take That? (Actually and sadly true) Gary Barlow, Something Owen, Robbie Williams and who gives a crap bout the other two? Actually, who gives a crap about any of them at all?

What would happen if Logan and Joan actually got together? (My Sims2 charaters)

Should they have a baby or adopt?

Maybe if I won the sweepstakes, what would I do? What percentage should I save? How bout that bag? And my first Jimmy Choos! Not to mention a car. Hmmm...

Am I really doing okay?

Do people actually like me?

Does anyone but me notice how fat I am???

My mind wanders. And this highly annoys me.

Things in my life irritate me. I can't seem to find joy in much these days. Except smoking and the occasional booze.

I feel life is going downhill.

I doubt sometimes that my friends are my friends. Maybe I'm a pity 'mate'.

Maybe I'm a pity fuck as well. Maybe that's why I attract werido men. Anywhere in the world, HOW THE FUCK DO THEY FIND ME?

I love and hate my friends at the same time. How two faced is that? I know it is but, I can't help how I feel. I do control my actions but isn't that little voice in you, just deserves to be spliced?

It's odd how I really don't want a boyfriend but I envy (a little bit) those whom do. I mean, it must be nice to have someone there most of the time.

I'm bored, honey. Let's just hang out and watch DVDs. Okies, sure thing. I mean, your weekends and nights and days are sorta planned. And if not, BACKUP!

I do enjoy my alone time. I truly do. But sometimes, I crave people, but when I get them, I feel I have to smile just cos I should.

Smile, smile, smile.

I'm not saying I don't enjoy company. Sometimes, it's just too much hard work.

I'm tired now, but my eyes won't close and give me peace.

I'm out of pills as you can see. Wednesday, I shall be able to sleep once more.

The only thing with pills, that I really miss, are my dreams.

I don't remember any of my dreams anymore.

I miss them.

Beer... Beer!

The beer, which I swear is one of the BEST in the world, was as big as my face! Now, that is a pint!
Cousin Debby and me before our night out! We both look very hot if I do say so myself! I really don't think we look THAT much alike, but I think I can see the family resemblance. We both look way too good to be human! :)
The Singapore River by night. It is beautiful. Peaceful and serene, as long as you ignore the drunk vomiting people around you! And stay out of the flow... Also must ignore drunk bikies!

Hard Gay, Penises, and the Answer

Anyway, watch the above. Remember to let it load up completely first for your viewing pleasure.

And yes, there are shopping carts at Ikea. The answer for the last guessing game.

Am addicted to HARD GAY! WOOOOOOO! (Search on YouTube, just type in Hard Gay)

The song is about penises and I therefore dedicate it to my wifie.

IRON PENISES! BLACK AGAINST FLESH!

WOOOOOOOOOOO!

It's the GUESSING GAME!

*cough* Yes, it is that PART of a MALE kangaroo. And it looks pretty big, so it must be a warm day! >.< Bad joke, but tourists lurve buying these little coin purses that actually are kangaroo balls or scrotum, to be more medical and less vulgar. Somehow, it reminds me of a water balloon, ready to burst...
Ah, good old Adelaide. This is in the centre of the city called Victoria Square, as you can see from the sign. Who is this? Do a close up and see!!! (i.e cos i have absolutely no clue...) Must be some important Australian/British person. Someone with loads of facial hair.
Ah! The view from my grandfather's flat in Singapore. He lives on the 12th floor (pretty common, it now will soon, go up to 50! Imagine that, living on the 50th floor! The view would be magnificent, but looking down? *glup*) He lives in Marine Parade which is right by the coast. Then again, most places are by the coast, I mean, Singapore IS an island! An a tiny one at that!

Lastly?? What't this? Leave your guesses. I'll tell ya in the next post. It's actually quite simple. I just thought it made an interesting picture. Btw, those whom were there when this was taken, SHHHHHHH!!!

Don't spoil the fun! (",)